Thunder and Lightning

About like this...
About like this…times 500

I planned to meet a girlfriend for coffee this morning, however between playing hours of Naxxramas Hearthstone, CD Rogue’s usual restlessness, and an atypical thunder storm, sleep took precedence. All those spiders…all those….spiders…gave me a weird nightmare. I see it so clearly in my mind’s eye, (I’m typing this in between bites of organic cocoa crisps and sipping black coffee, the only cure to dispel this type of dream): we were at some grand log cabin somewhere, and on a window just outside of where the living room would be was a collection of huge arachnids. There was one especially large black widow, who had found a doll’s head and wrapped it in her web, and its face (the doll’s) was staring outward. The black widow seemed to know she couldn’t eat the doll’s head, but having it for a trophy gave her an aura of triumph. A stinkbug the size of my hand crawled up the window, and various little grey spiders scuttled about. But that doll’s head…I took pictures with my i-phone, and when I showed them to CD Rogue (this is all still in the dream) every shot was in HD and so clear, so large in details, that it seem the black widow leered back. If you’re sufficiently creeped out remember; this all was in my subconscious. Like eating bad pepperoni pizza late at night, I shall not be playing Hearthstone so close to bedtime again.

Remember: that was in MY head. Dispel! Dispel! Curse you doll’s head: be gone with another bite of cocoa crispies! I’m not sure Tome is going to get the image of her warlock out of her head as easily, however: Sasche looks like she’s retaining embalming fluid (yes, I’ll keep telling that joke – I think I’m hilarious). And our dear Dwarf friend Briege is shaking things up, too. I must admit I admire and am envious of my friends who know how to create a safe community, are diplomatic, funny, and kind. The struggle is real, Matty.

This would be a great tabard logo...
This would be a great tabard logo…

With so many changes, I’m having this “Why bother?” attitude – and that is a dangerous and debilitating attitude indeed. For example, the guild perks’ changes. 

We still want to incentivize guild membership, aside from the social benefits, so we’re keeping conveniences like faster mount speed, instant guild mail, Mass Resurrection, etc., as exclusive benefits to all guilded players. The guild achievement system, and unlocked items and other benefits through completion of guild achievements, will remain as-is. We’d like to emphasize that system a bit more as a yardstick for collective accomplishment, rather than guild level which primarily just reflects individual effort.

The rest of the article discusses how Guild Challenges are the things that make gold. Making gold for Drunken Fish was never a priority — we never had that many members. So what this statement from Blizzard seems to be suggesting (remember: I am still working on my inner demons) is that we still have to work to get to Level 25 we just don’t get a few of the rewards that would actually have helped a cottage guild. I don’t give a damn about the guild membership spams – that was never an issue. And where is the reward for the little cottage guilds that have two members for a long time and leveled a guild at all? It just seems that Blizzard once again caters and encourages the guild spam, and gives no viable options for the small-town girl. In other words: f-u individual effort. Subtext: you are a big loser if you only have a few friends in Azeroth.

Blizzard: s.t.f.u.

Like most strong economies, its strength derives from entrepreneurial efforts. If I’ve had to be creative to level a tiny guild it’s been fun, but please don’t punish me for it – you should be rewarding guilds that have less then ten actual accounts — not members — accounts. Look, I would love if I had three players on at any point in time who could run instances together. It just doesn’t work like that in the real world anymore, and I’m a bit resentful that Blizzard still thinks it does.

Okay – there’s my rant. I’m done.

Maybe this should be on the guild tabard?
Maybe this should be on the guild tabard?

In any case, Hawtpocket, one of the best tanks and players I have had the pleasure, created the Rubber Ducky Society guild, and we’ll be doing some things together. I counted up all my level 90s, and um…yeah. But she wants Momokawa to come along tonight and tomorrow for some Flex raiding, so that’s something I’m looking forward to doing.

So, to more black coffee and the cocoa crispies seem to be doing the trick. I feel better. It’s still raining heavily, and the thunderstorm for this area is unusual: normally the western side of the Northwest doesn’t generate enough heat. But once in awhile, there’s a flash and boom, and then the air gets clear again.

You BETA Believe It! (Somewhat Soggy Spoilers)

Something's Missing
Something’s Missing

Puns somehow soothe my passive-aggressive side. Not sure why. A sweet little bird took pity on my beta-less soul and helped me out. Turns out CD Rogue has had the Beta all along, but told me he never, ever plays betas for some pretty solid reasons: primarily it can only end in tears. Things you like will not make the final cut, and things you don’t will. I know I made such a stink about not playing the Beta; I make big stinks about a lot of things. I get my panties in a knot and put hissy fits on full throttle. Not to mention mixing metaphors. But – please Blizzard, please — I won’t mess with Garrisons yet, and I won’t do anything else. I might ride around on Invincible because like a garage parking attendant, you gave me the keys and while you’re having dinner at your fancy restaurant I’m just going to take it around the block a few times, okay? You’ll never know. Won’t get a scratch on it.

But here’s what my vain self did focus on– outward appearances. All surface, no substance. So here is my quick snap judgment on some of my favorite ladies:

The Night Elf female hands are larger, the ears more rubbery, and feathery unibrow in need of a waxing more than ever before:

Hands the size of thighs.
Hands the size of thighs.

Bitchy resting face in full swing:

Smile, Matty, it's not so bad!
Smile, Matty, it’s not so bad!

Kellda forgot her meds:

Better get that thyroid checked out...
Better get that thyroid checked out…

Please tell me my warlock has not turned into Patricia Heaton (who is batshit crazy):

Crazy...just a little bit
Everybody Loves Crazy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And Hair, Now!

See hair!
See hair! (Uh oh)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And in all seriousness, this Dwarf shaman is beautiful:

Those hazel eyes....ahhhh
Those hazel eyes….ahhhh

But my poor little warlock has a bad case of  Scythenititis:

Um...anyone call a doctor?
Um…anyone call a doctor?

I’m sure there are many more surprises in store. I know you’re all thinking I’m a big fat hypocrite right now, and I am. Let me go find a pipe wrench to get these panties untwisted, and I’ll go gaze upon my pretty Draenei faces a bit longer.

End of the World Mogging Contest

Haanta: 'bearly' there
Haanta: ‘bearly’ there

You ask, “Matty, what is the inspiration for this contest?”  So many places – where to start? The anticipation levels for WoD are reaching fever pitch. Even in OLRG I was reminded that one woman’s definition of spoiler may not be mine. When I say ‘spoiler’ I mean NOTHING – I don’t even watch movie trailers sometimes because I want it to be a fresh experience. Perhaps, though, I am too constricted in my thinking. Just because I didn’t get a Beta Invite doesn’t mean I have to be all crabby about it. NooOOOoooooo. Look, I went to last year’s Blizzcon and got to take a peak behind the curtains, and WoD is going to be awesome. I get that. But meanwhile, Rome is burning, baby, and it’s time to start fiddling! The real world is in some serious trouble, people. And when even Mt. Fuji is about to blow up her skirt, what else can Azerothians do but a Mogging Contest? So, while we’re waiting for the rivers to rise and the plastic in the oceans to just all disappear, let’s mog!

The Rules:

1. Outfit must be suitable to end-of-the-world survival. Justify every piece of gear on this scale:

Survivability: can this character survive – now be creative in this. A warlock dressed as a priest? Sure. A rogue tricking others? Sounds fine.

Flexibility: must be able to go from land to sea with no muss, no fuss

Recycled – no new or latest gear; can mix and match mail with cloth, etc.

In other words, a brief explanation on why you chose each piece of gear.

2. Have pet, will travel: you must choose one of your pets (in addition to a hunter, mage, warlock, etc. normal pet) as your traveling companion a la Will Smith I Am Legend style. Give a brief explanation on why this is your pet of choice, and how you two plan on surviving the upcoming apocalypse.

3. Format: Screenshot (Mogit is fine) and small text explaining the above. A secret judge will make the final decision. Send this to me at mataoka.of.exodar@gmail.com by July 31. Decision will be made by August 9. 

First place: $25 gift card for Blizzard

Second place: $15 gift card

Third place: I don’t know. Whatever I have lying around. You might get nothing and like it.

 

If you have any questions, post them here or send me an e-mail. However, that doesn’t mean I’ll answer them. For those of you concrete-sequential types this may be frustrating, because my vague and open-ended (lack of) explanations drive folks nuts. It’s the end of the world, after all, and many rules don’t apply.

 

 

 

OLRG: Can’t Touch This

Must be a retired warlock...
Must be a retired warlock…

Um. Does this mean when I am an octogenarian I’ll be able to do this? Is this some amazing sorcery that engenders us in our dotage to perform amazing feats? Doubtful. I think the last time I pulled this maneuver was when I was four. And then it was probably an accident.

Just curious–have you all sensed that I am not “here” anymore? Have your spidey-Matty-senses been tingling, and have you detected that my dedication, nay obsession, with writing this blog grows tarnished and unattended? You would be Empath of the Year if this is so. I am –something. Can’t put my finger on it. My introvert side is thrilled and maniacally gleeful about summer, but my extroverted self is busy causing problems on Facebook and stirring the pot. I sincerely didn’t mean to, but when one has a talent for pot-stirring, and the big personality spoon just can’t stop. I decided to have “Facebook Free Fridays” from now on. I want to post that on Facebook to tell my friends and family they’ll have a break from me. I don’t know what it is, this compulsion of mine to call people out on their shenanigans. CD Rogue told me about the Nerdist, and their efforts to start Payday Friday: kind of like a pay it forward, pay a compliment kind of thing. I can do that! I’m FULL OF THAT! But I looked under varying hashtags and couldn’t figure out what to write. /sigh Just when I thought I controlled all things media. I mean, this week I got my printer scanner to work, practiced making Vines, wrote some new blogs, and got a sassy new ‘do. By the way, the Vines were made while I was under the big dryer at the salon. So you aren’t going to see them. Don’t ask.

But I have also played so many hours of Hearthstone that I’m feeling like:

drunkoldlady
You got your mass dispel on my Ragnaros! YOU BASTARD!

Seriously, I am calling myself on my own shenanigans:

1. I will never, ever make fun of anyone who plays Candy Crush.

2. I will keep off of Facebook on Fridays.

3. I will not play Hearthstone [sic] in certain locations anymore. No, not the potty! Gross! I’m not that much of an addict! ……

So, let me think. Old Ladies, if you’re up for it, it will only take a few of us to get that staff, and then you’ll have the rest of a summer Saturday free. I do want to do more current or challenging content, but am feeling very hammock-brain right now. I just made that up. Pretty awesome metaphor, don’t you think?

My brain is this bear.
My brain is this bear.

 

So, see you all tomorrow around 3-ish my time? I want to grill out some stuff tomorrow night, not only because I am THE GRILLMASTER OF THE MATTYSHACK, but because if I don’t do something that is a normal part of summer, and then comes along October, I’m going to be really depressed. This summer feels…not normal. Cubs are gone or busy, CD Rogue is happy, and all my projects sit stagnant because something is very wrong with the truck right now, and it’s still a ways to payday. I don’t dare drive it too far. Sure it’s something small like you know, the engine. And this is going to sound really weird, but I had some trees in the backyard, and we had to cut them down, and I am really missing them. Like – getting teary thinking about them. Everything feels very over-exposed and hurtfully bright out there in the real world. When CD Rogue gets home we’ve been taking a walk in the crepuscular glory that is a summer night in the Northwest. I told him I feel like a loyal dog waiting for my nightly walk. (No, I don’t ‘go’ outside! And I don’t need a leash.)

But I really miss those trees. Wish they would grow back.

So–grab a cold beverage, and come help Momo get her staff. And if there’s something you want to do, let me know. Oh, and Tome, I got Vent working.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Killer Pink (and some serious stuff) – revisited

Tank Hammered
Tank Hammered

Think I forgot to mention, so yeah, Luperci doesn’t have any more excuses for not doing current LFRs/Flexes anymore. Nope. Last week (how could this slip my mind?) I decided to use the power of the Kraken Rum and go try a few LFRs. Now maybe the group thought I was more like this:

barbie armor

 

But no one threatened to kick me from the group, and all in all went pretty well. I am feeling extremely unfeathered un-tethered at the moment. So that hair cut I mentioned? Didn’t quite go as planned. And if your friends with me on Facebook you saw it, but you did not see the way it’s dyed. And you need to know I know have a headache from trying to defend myself when drawn into a political debate — I didn’t start a political debate, just forgot the first three rules of conversation: don’t bring up religion, politics, or sex. Well too late dorks. I put out a simple question about did anyone know how to help the thousands of children coming over the border without their parents? I am heartsick over this, and that no one seems to be as alarmed as I am. See? I am a paladin at heart some days, and it really does hurt. I try to be a pink paladin, sweetness and diplomacy, but sometimes every problem does look  like a nail and all I have is this hammer. But I did find some good resources, both faith based and otherwise. Their parents must be so heartbroken. No one sends their children into the wilderness unless they are desperate. No one.

So your quest, good heroes of Azeroth: do one good thing today for the real planet, whatever is happening in your corner. Just one good thing. And if you need a tank when you’re not saving the real world, but saving the virtual one, give me a shout.

Here is Jen’s link:

Magnificent
Magnificent

Authentic RTMT: Roam If You Want To Edition

For years since I’ve written this blog, it’s been the junk-drawer level vault of my randomness. There are just a lot of things we all “might need” someday (but probably won’t). I am going to make a case, however, for junk drawers. You may, you know, need those cocktail  olive toothpicks, because James Bond may come over for a shaken-not-stirred, and you’ll want to do it up right. You may purchase some local crabs and need those lobster/crab crackers. Maybe. It could happen. And of course, those batteries that may or may not still be good–and the super glue. That is where super glue magically resides when you don’t need it. It disappears the instant you break something that requires its services. Kind of like a dead-beat.

So in my wanderings, I’ve stumbled across a few things you may or may not need.

Wheeeee!

Elfi wrote an adorable post about the Dun Morogh Sledders. Every time I pass by I give them a wave. Well last night Keilei, my Night Elf huntress (we’ll discuss my huntresses another time) felt restless, and wanted to hone her skinning skills. She took a wrong turn, and saw a cave on the side of a mountain. This cave is hidden by the large IRONFORGE banner on the map. Inside the cave are two Dwarfs: a lady and a gentlemen. And they are drinking. And dancing. And….awkward! Though Keilei was invited to join them, she declined and bowed out. Get out?! Bowed out? A hunter! Woot! PUN!

sledders
Party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!

dancing sledder sledder hang out

So now you know where to find them; peek in, but don’t stay. They are trying to get warm.

Cozy Cottage

Keilei continued. She flew over Gilneas, and lo and behold, so many abandoned cottages! She was tempted to be a squatter and set up permanent residency in one, but you know, the whole ‘forsaken’ problem and there was the unmistakable smell of pestilence in the air. But still….what a waste!cozy cottage location

cozy cottage

Green is the new black…

black and green hunter

Oh, and I think we need a new mog contest. Not sure what. But something. Check back in later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Heartstone…Mistakes Were Made

So this is why multitasking is bad. And if by ‘multitasking’ I mean having a rum and Coke, watching TV with CD Rogue, playing Hearthstone, and listening to him tell me funny Reddit stories, yes. That’s what I mean. See that sheep card? That sheep card used to be Ragnaros. It was, until I mistakenly didn’t drag the card to its proper position, and yes, I ‘sheeped’ my own card. Right then and there I wish I had an emote that said, “I am too stupid to play right now. You win this one.”

sheep

 

 

 

 

 

 

RTMT*:Gentlemen’s Club

manlyhandshake

 

 

 

 

 

 

We try to play nice…really…

I’m getting there, I really am. But just where “there” is I’m not too sure. It seems I get too distracted by all the other ‘tourist attractions’ along the way. One thing I have realized that without a certain amount of righteous indignation I run out of gas. In other words, I feed on mild irritation. It’s a terrible mind habit, and one I am working on ending. Just not give a damn anymore, Scarlet, you know? But something kept kind of nagging me, it hit me the other day when I was hanging with the OLRG–it really is kind of bullshit when they said WoD was an ‘old boys’ trip. You know – it really was. I’m just fatigued, my friends. Tired of paying the bills, tired of making the economy grow and paying taxes, and then come to find out that my money that goes in the pockets of so many [male] game designers doesn’t seem to count in the coffers. It must not, because this trip was designed to be an old boys trip, and I am not an old boy. Why is this pissing me off now, something that’s over a year old? Old news? Because it needs to be old news, like 1800s old. Like 800s old. Not 2013-+ old. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to tell young women and men you can spend time in both a real and virtual world feeling empowered, sexy, funny, and skilled? Are some men, such a small minority I believe, still so threatened? Why would anyone potentially alienate half of their customer base? I need some back-peddling on this one, fellows.

And – remember Bitchy Resting Face? Do we now have its counterpart, Asshole Face?

NewDraenei05
Get that elekk out of your shorts!

 

*Yes, it’s Monday night. I’m getting my hair done tomorrow so maybe that’ll help this funk.

 

"Squirrel Nuts Stirring Up Drama"

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