Getting down to business: Tanking, LFR, and Pre-emptive Strikes

One of my goals for the long weekend is to take Luperci the Swag Tank into an LFR. I went on a small rant last night about LFR with my cross-dressing rogue; he listened patiently, nodded in agreement, and continued to look up funny photos on Reddit. I asked him for advice on the music for the Night Elf post, but he was at a momentary loss. Can’t believe that Björk didn’t pop in my head straightaway, but she’s there now. The rant will follow, so you gentle readers don’t miss out. LUCKY!

ANYWAY—-getting a little impatient with myself.
Luperci. Tanking. LFR. 
I do not know any active players who have tanks right now, save one, and when I asked him, he said he would go through LFR with me, get on Vent, and talk me through it. Wait, that’s not true. Perhaps Guarf will walk me through it, too, as he did with Zep. Zep got some great shoulders out of it, and it was pretty easy. My interface is still a bit cluttered and polluted, but it wasn’t so bad. I only did the first half with her, not the Deathwing part, so, not so bad. The Paladins and Bears are meeting in the Superbowl, apparently, and don’t have a lot of time to take noob tanks through easy-breezy LFR. I ask a lot of Guarf, and don’t know if I’ve told him lately how much I appreciate him. 
So, time for some research. Yes. Research. Watching videos, making a list, etc., so I don’t fail, get kicked, or yelled at. Yes, I am a sensitive little flower. 

Helpful tips for incompetent LFR tanks

Here are a few useful tips for the sort of incompetent LFR tanks you see from time to time, that will make for a smoother run for everyone, including yourself, if you don’t care whatsoever about what you’re doing:

1. If you plan on never taunting on Morchok whatsoever, let the healers know ahead of time so that they can take it into consideration that you’re being a worthless drain on their resources and they can expect to spend unnecessary throughput on healing the tank actually doing something.

2. Warlord Zon’ozz is a single tank fight. The numbers that you see DBM counting up are stacks on the boss, not stacks on the other tank. Taunting it off randomly does not contribute to the raid in any appreciable way. If you are not tanking the boss, make yourself useful and go play with the ball instead of confusing everyone.

3. If you don’t plan on taunting Yor’sahj at 3 stacks, see #1.

4. On Hagara, if you’re contributing nothing to the encounter other than hitting the boss, don’t suddenly decide you’re going to do something by taunting the add to the middle of nowhere during the lightning-conducting phase.

5. Nothing much to say about Ultraxxion, because you’re going to die anyway and get multiple brez’s because you can’t handle timing hitting the button. The top threat dps’er is going to take a few hits while the tank actually doing work is out of the Twilight Realm.

6. On Warmaster Blackhorn, picking up the same add over and over will burden you and the other tank with an unnecessary level of stacking debuff. PRO TIP!: alternate which side add you’re taunting. When phase 2 happens, taunting randomly when you still have the Sunder Armor debuff will not win you any friends.

7. On Spine of Deathwing, just pick up Bloods and let the grown-ups worry about the mechanics.

8. On Madness of Deathwing, if you do not taunt after impale, you’re probably going to get kicked after the wipe.

But I don’t understand this yet – I realize it’s a response to what not to do, but now I need to go through boss-by-boss and figure it out.
(although not a big fan of videos–kind of like watching other people eat ice cream)
I know what stacks are, but again, miss them. I know what taunting is, but want to make sure my timing is right. And yes, know when to push the button on Ultraxion. At least as a healer and dps. 
Here is the rant you were promised:
Is it me, or did Blizz truly, and totally, phone this one in? We are fighting a giant dragon’s toenail. We are no more than athlete’s foot or fireants, biting and gnawing away at his claws. This is Deathwing, the bringer of destruction and doom, the Four Horsemen, the Mayan calendar for gods’ sakes! And yet, we are fighting at his claws. Oh, sure, there’s a spine moment, and I have to admit, I love the mechanics for jumping over the crashing waves, sea spray flying, mists bubbling, to the next fight, but honestly, I feel like a tiny microbe and Deathwing is all out of antibiotics: WIN! 
LFR =boring*
This is what I wished Deathwing looked like, too:
Jabberwocky could kick DW’s ass.
or:
http://www.johncoulthart.com/feuilleton/2010/11/05/jabberwocky/
I don’t hate LFR–it’s a relatively quick way to roll on loot, and actually, that is where the real “game” is–everyone watching the drama of who gets what, and then acting knowingly when lowest dps wins something. But like everything else, over time, as people practice, not everyone will make mistakes, and the nerdrage will lessen to a slow boil. I realize the heroic and normal modes are far different, (from what I’ve been told, because since having to pack my embersilk bags and leave one guild, the new guild doesn’t have a spot for me on their team, and to be fair, I haven’t asked). My plan is to do LFR, get loot, keep getting valor points, but–do some more fun things, in game and out. Right now I’m praying for a snow day or two, drinking Marketspice tea, and reading stereo instructions:
I don’t want to go it alone. Nothing in this game is that much fun solo for me. So, if you want to hold a cute draenei paladin’s hand and escort her through LFR, I’m all ears and horns. 

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