Mediocre. Average. Normal. These are painful, evil words to most over-achievers, perfectionists, and professionals.
I had a terrible meeting this morning. Cersei won, I acted like an ass, and lost my cool.
This is one of those spawned posts. It is not premeditated, or mentally drafted. It just bubbles up. It is about a reality check, that is more like a check-against-the-boards than a pleasant “check” mark on a friendly to-do list.
Later in the afternoon, I read Matticus’ post, http://www.worldofmatticus.com/the-killer-instinct-of-healing/ and wondered, “Hmmm…do I have this killer instinct for healing? No. No I do not.”
But the thing is, I wonder if I have any instincts at all. After showing my rear to my boss today, I am wondering if I have any career survival instincts at minimum. Throw me out in the wild with nothing but a Bowie knife and face paint I might fair better. I realize I have an anger issues along with a fear of confrontation. These combined neurosis can be quite debilitating, and usually result in public embarrassment and a lot of apologizing. When the need for a confrontation occurs, (and we all know the signs: in my case, keeping a box of Kleenex in the car so when I cry on my way to work I can dry my tears, insomnia, a twitch in my right eye I have named “the One”), well, I should head it off at the pass much sooner instead of blowing my top. Call me Mount Haleakala, baby, cause I’m about to spew. What’s that smellin’? It’s Mount St. Helens...aka Matty.
We all work with people who lie, backstab, blame, undermine, and bully. But that’s real life, right? We use Azeroth as an escape, don’t we?
But the painful epiphany of late that I am a gear-junkie, and have a deep-seated phobia of nerd rage. This makes it very difficult to hunt down PUGs for raids and yet keep up my item level. I want to look great, but don’t want anyone to yell at me. Kind of impossible.
Perhaps if I gave it a Matticus-level of devotion, I could achieve the gear without the yelling part.
I was working under the delusion that if I worked really, really hard, kept organized, helped others, and did more than what I was expected to do somehow I would stay safe against…evil. But alas, some things just shake the ground under my feet, and I have no control.
The final question is, can I live with being a mediocre player? First I guess I’ll have to define mediocrity for myself; never being first at anything, not being a regular part of a ten-main raid team, not getting asked to prom, getting the honorable mention, or never having enough: gold, achievements, whatever. Just derping along, casting spells, hitting rocks, and creating alts (and finding body bags for the serial deletionist in me, too, a Tome phrase).
But before I go outside and eat worms, I do want to mention that Xak has graciously offered to help me when he has time with the whole fear–of-raid-PUGs thing, and that gesture is greatly appreciated.
Those worms are looking pretty good. Will go with my crow I have to eat soon.