Oh–if only.

If only.

I am contemplating intentions this morning, mine and others’. Good. Bad. Unsure. But intentions of all kinds.

Here was my intent: To go into LFR and maybe win a good trinket for my shaman. She’s still sporting the acorn of agility, and while suffice it to say squirrels and their nuts are extremely agile, and it’s served her well, perhaps with a new one her dps would be a big more tight.

Going back to first person — I won two. I was with a guildmate, and just wanted to roll on whatever he might need, too, and won two trinkets. One I had, one I didn’t, the Starcatcher, which — and this is an important detail–really is for hunters in my opinion, with its haste and all– but was happy enough.

However, I forgot to pack my shit-storm shield from the flying barrage of harassment and FUs from other hunters in the group who wanted this trinket. I was called horrible, horrible names, greedy, and more.

Here are my choices:
1. Put them all on ignore (Guarf’s post-LFR suggestion, which I didn’t consider during the heat and anger of the moment–more on this;
2. Tell them to go effthemselves and ride off into the merry sunset, all trinkets, all things.
3. Wish I was a disenchanter and do what other players do, and say meanly, “I’m going to disenchant this all right in front of you all and laugh.”
4. Realize that this player, Bigstash, had his (or her) own issues:

The level of nerd-rage, hate, anger, and sheer player frustration on the part of this player melted me –and here is what I am not sure of–did I give into a bully, or did I take the high road? Did I turn the other pixelated cheek in kindness and empathy, or did I just get run over by a virtual steamroller?

It reminds me of third grade, and Joe ZXXXX. Yes, you Joe ZXXXX. I had a huge crush on you, and you decided to honor my 8-year-old heart by punching me in the stomach. But here is what I know about you, Joe–you are probably still very, very short. Your whole family was short. And you have a big nose. I am imagining this because third grade is pretty much where I left our villain, Joe, behind. I have no way of knowing, and no, don’t look him up on Facebook. I don’t give a sh8t.

To Bigstash: I get you. I really do. I understand when you’re playing, life isn’t going well, and you keep hitting your head on the concrete again and again and the big bossy bitches of life keep slamming you back down. Dear readers, you can call what I did a great moment of weakness or strength, but I gave Bigstash the trinket. It truly–truly–meant beyond the scope of reason to him–and that’s that.

Zep looks at the big picture…

In my real life, I am not getting something I desperately need right now. Not want. Need. I too have been hitting my head on the concrete repeatedly, thinking it’s going to get better, and yet, every turn of the cycle I find myself crying, angry, hurt, and diminished. But I pull my head out, look around, and say to myself, “Hey–I still have this, and that, and the other thing going for me. I got this.” And I am stronger and better for it.

But—hear this clearly, “desperately need” is all a matter of perspective. It’s not a kidney, or a bone-marrow transplant, or a the best cheeseburger in the world. It’s just a thing, nothing else. And I will not only “make do,” but make it rock.

I, too, have mentioned Gladwell’s 10,000 hours on this blog, like Cynwise (somewhere on here…) and I am going to remind myself again that I am an expert at what I do in the real world. I really am.
Just play. Just. Play.

Sad to say, I am not naive enough to think that I “saved” the Bigstashes of the world. They may be used to punching and yelling through life, and “win” by their harassment. But I walked away with a huge epiphany–one about the true nature of bullying, and that it is far more complicated and simple that perhaps we understand–we are all trying to seek control, some facsimile of our happy lives. If that Starcatcher ups his DPS by even a few points, and makes the time he spends in Azeroth just a tiny bit more relaxing, that he doesn’t have to prove anything, then it was worth it to me. Whether or not he gets the lesson is up to his karmic journey, not mine. My path is clear.

Postscript: I really, really like my new guild. They are fun, sweet, and for Azeroth, what I need right now. Trying not to let them down, and appreciate their patience as they get to know me, and I them. It’s all good, and I will gladly go into any situation and get what they need, too.


Ceniza is working hard at getting Nozdormu’s attention…work it, girl!

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